why aren't my fucking gums fused to my teeth?

As I type this, I sit before you in immense displeasure. On a beer pick up run, I found myself in the greatest store chain in New Jersey - Bottle King. As I enter the magnificent establishment I encounter these never before seen Kariba Farms "Corn Crisp" bags in Texas BBQ flavor. Immediately I purchase these obviously delicious treats, questioning what I'm doing at a liquor store in the first place. I can't even begin to describe to you how good it looked, and for some mentally challenged reason they don't have this product listed on their website. So I'm just going to show you this picture:


Basically this snack is dried cooked corn kernels seasoned with the best junk food seasoning in the world: BBQ (although jalapeno is fast taking it's spot). I am thoroughly devouring this treat when all of a sudden I feel a pressure on my gums. Then I black out and have a flashback:

I fucking hate when this happens

Apparently, cooked corn gets lodged in your gums just like fucking popcorn. Yeah, that fucking unpopped portion of the kernel that penetrated that tiny, tight gap between your tooth and your gum. You know what I'm talking about. You better know what I'm talking about. This pain is NOT my own. Now excuse me while I attempt to furiously dig my gums out with a spoon.

bottle clink

The bottle clink trick. Oh man. This is just awful. I don't know who found out that tapping a bottle on top of another bottle would make it fizz, but way to go man. Not only are you forcing someone to attempt to drink (you facist) you're making an unnecessary mess that you probably won't clean up (you uh... republican? oh yeah I just went there). I wonder what the thought process is in order to actually do such a heinous thing to an unsuspecting person. Friendly joking around? or a 2000 year old torture?

True story: A buddy of mine was drinking a bottle of the finest malt liquor, and someone he knew wanted to give him a surprise. What happened? My buddy had this "trick" performed on the beverage he was holding. The "surprise" was shattered glass in his fucking hand. That's right, if you didn't know force + glass = SHATTERED PAINFUL DANGEROUS SHARDS THAT WILL CUT YOU WORSE THAN AN EMO GANGSTER.

This is directly the result of the beer bottle clink. Not at all of some random "bloody hand" google image search.

Do you know what this tells me about you? that you're a douchebag who wants to get someone drunk, but also that you can't get someone drunk without a cheap trick. Do you know how easy it is for you to get someone to take a drink?

Me: Hey dude, you're have a giant floppy vagina if you don't take this drink.
Dude: WTF IM A MAN WHY ARE YOU QUESTIONING MY MANHOOD
Me: Because you're a girl. Take this drink.

Me: Hey dude, you're have a giant floppy vagina if you don't take this drink.
Girl: I'm a girl.
Me: HOLY SHIT i thought you were a guy. Take this roofie coolada?
Girl: What?
Me: Coolada?
Girl: Oh I LOVE Cooladas!

What, you can't string together a couple of coherent sentences or something? Notice girls never do it. It's because they can get anyone at any time to take a drink. and if they do perform this douchebaggery of a trick, then theyre just giant bitches. You might know of them, ya douchenozzle.

YOU DONT WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT??!?!

So i rediscovered a passion that i had not revisited since high school - Soccer. Soccer is flipping awesome. Anyone who says otherwise is a dbag and doesnt understand anything. Its the ultimate team game, gets you into the best shape you could be, and has none of the mentally challenged stops that many of the other games do. Don't try the bullshit soccer is for pussies and then compare it to American Football, because thats like comparing football to basketball, but infinitely more stupid. You're an idiot.

So i recently played on my friend's co-ed league for a game, and it was really fun. So while i was taking to one of my female buddies to see if she liked soccer, i get this response:

"No. traumatic experience in eighth grade. I don't want to talk about it."

HE STRIKES AGAIN

Seroiusly? Cmon. Not only are you going to give a bullshit vague "no," you're adding the worst teasing line ever- "I don't want to talk about it." You're not doing the usual "For me to know and you to find out," which is almost as douchey, but at least you KNOW you could possibly get it out sometime in the near future. "I don't want to talk about it" gives the information that I am injustly being left out on a shield of untouchableness. I mean, cmon, i can't ask after that. It's obvoiusly something bad, and I dont want to be that guy who delves in too deep into your life, just to find out that during a soccer game while you were 12, a horse ran onto the field to violate you.

I mean, obviously that would be the best story i've ever heard, but damn if I were to look like a total dbag finding it out. I gotta look after my social image too, you know.