YOU DONT WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT??!?!

So i rediscovered a passion that i had not revisited since high school - Soccer. Soccer is flipping awesome. Anyone who says otherwise is a dbag and doesnt understand anything. Its the ultimate team game, gets you into the best shape you could be, and has none of the mentally challenged stops that many of the other games do. Don't try the bullshit soccer is for pussies and then compare it to American Football, because thats like comparing football to basketball, but infinitely more stupid. You're an idiot.

So i recently played on my friend's co-ed league for a game, and it was really fun. So while i was taking to one of my female buddies to see if she liked soccer, i get this response:

"No. traumatic experience in eighth grade. I don't want to talk about it."

HE STRIKES AGAIN

Seroiusly? Cmon. Not only are you going to give a bullshit vague "no," you're adding the worst teasing line ever- "I don't want to talk about it." You're not doing the usual "For me to know and you to find out," which is almost as douchey, but at least you KNOW you could possibly get it out sometime in the near future. "I don't want to talk about it" gives the information that I am injustly being left out on a shield of untouchableness. I mean, cmon, i can't ask after that. It's obvoiusly something bad, and I dont want to be that guy who delves in too deep into your life, just to find out that during a soccer game while you were 12, a horse ran onto the field to violate you.

I mean, obviously that would be the best story i've ever heard, but damn if I were to look like a total dbag finding it out. I gotta look after my social image too, you know.

Tangled Cords

WHY DOES THIS HAPPEN? WHY DO I WASTE 10 MINUTES UNTANGLING CORDS THAT WERE PERFECTLY TIED? WHAT IS THE 2ND LAW OF THERMODYNAMICS???

Everything? Orly?

Music is a pretty big interest of mine. I think internet radio and satellite radio are the best things ever to happen for my ears, because honestly without them, I know for sure my ipod would have only 3 songs on it. So when someone brings up music, I'm pretty open/interested in striking up a conversation about it. The only problem is that the conversation usually goes like this:

Me: You like this song? What sort of music do you listen to?
You: ME??? LOL I LIKE EVERYTHING :D!!!!!1111

Me:

Little known fact: I am actually in fact an animorph.

You like everything? Really? That's the biggest bullshit response I've ever heard in my whole life. You don't like everything. I guarantee you if I played a random ass song off my playlist right now you'd be like "wow this song sucks." I'd obviously have to punch you in the face, but that will only add to the other black eye I gave you for answering "everything." Just because you heard T-pain speak like a robot on the #1 HIT STATION doesn't mean you like hip hop. Or just because you heard the 3rd grade lyrics of Nickelback doesnt mean you like rock. Fuck that. I hate you.

Lawn Ornaments

So for the last couple of weeks I got to go down to the town of Ft. Washington, PA. I was driving around the local neighborhood after work, looking for deer to run into on my free time, when my GPS decides to completely crap out on me, and bring me to a closed road. Fine, whatever, it's not the first time technology did exactly the opposite it was supposed to do. So after I reprogrammed the screen to play Entourage episodes that I havent seen yet, I decided to make a U-turn and attempt to retrace my steps. I pull into the driveway of a home to make said U-turn, and BAM

WHAT. THE. FUCK.

After initially having 3 heart attacks and pancaking the dog that came running after my car while I was trying to back the fuck out, I realized that what I had initially thought was a 18th century poltergeist that was going to burn me to death with a lantern, was a PLASTIC JOCKEY. I subseqently went into a bout of rage, killing thousands of various cute kittens, furry puppies, and cuddly koala bears.

Fun Fact: Did you know people actually buy this shit?

IT GIVES NIGHTMARES.

Axe/Tag

How come whenever I attempt to use any Axe or Tag products, I don't have hundreds of scantily clad hot women tackling me? What the hell am I doing wrong? I expect to use these sprays in the most generic of places, and have the hottest women in the world appear and molest the shit out of me. I mean, advertisers wouldn't lie like that would they?


Axe Commercial - The best video clips are right here

This is pure total bullshit. Besides a duodec (look that up, bitchass)-daily spraying regimen, I have also purposely gotten bit by hundreds of mosquitoes and ate hundreds of frog legs, and still nothing. At least in beer commercials, I can drink enough beer to make women look that hot. But no amount of Tag or Axe body spray does that. Hell last Sunday I emptied a can of Axe on myself and subsequently got lit on fire from direct sunlight.

Immolation fucking sucks. Unless it's against
religious persecution. Then it's ok.

Button Flies

If you haven't come across button flies in your lifetime, consider yourself lucky. Unfortunately for me, apparently Europeans love them, and I had the misfortune of having to have to buy a pair of jeans in the Netherlands. And every, single, freaking pair has them. Not familiar? they look like this:

Wondering why you pants are just as fucking annoying to put on as
your button shirt? Blame Europeans

My dutch friend recently tried to convince me that button flies are, in fact superior. He said, after a while, you get so used to them that you can just undo them as quickly as a zipper, and that buttoning them up is also just as fast. My response: full of shit. How can it be physically easier and faster to perform 3 actions in the time it should take to do one? Shit, I have enough trouble buttoning the single button on my pants after zipping up, don't give me another 3.

The ONLY advantage I can think of for button flies is that there is no chance of getting your junk caught in the fly. But honestly, if that ever happens to you, you should probably rethink your genetics, and allow yourself to get castrated by the zipper.

Knowing my luck, it's probably going to fucking happen to me tomorrow.

People who order the same stuff at restaurants

I have to touch on this subject because I was recently traveling with some friends, and this discussion came up because I have major psychotic issues with people ordering the same shit at nice establishments (lets say, > $15 an entree). When it is time to order a conversation would occur that is something like this:

Waitress: What would you like?
Me: I would like the Lake Titicaca cut of beef ass with a side of Uncle Ben's rice and Soggy Vegetables. Medium rare, por favor.
Friend: Actually can I order the same exact thing? thanks!
Me: ... what the fuck? I thought you were getting the grilled piranha genitalia?
Friend: I did, and I was about to, but I heard what you were getting and it sounded delicious.
Me: Then fucking get what you are getting, and try some of mine. What if it's bad and neither of us like it? How the fuck are you going to go from fish to steak? The whole point of travelling this far out and going to a decent restaurant is to try shit that we haven't had before. You basically ruined the whole spirit of the trip.
Friend: I don't know I'm stupid. I'm still going to order the same exact thing you ordered, even though I wanted something else beforehand, just because what you ordered sounded good. Even though what I was going to order will most likely be just as, or more delicious, and more importantly, DIFFERENT than what you ordered I'm going to order it.
Waitress: Wow what that handsome, well versed man who ordered first has a point. Person who just rip offed that man, you're pretty much retarded.

There are, however, a COUPLE exceptions to this rule
1) bigass samplers
2) a dish that is the mainstay of the restaurant (steak at a good steakhouse, ribs at a rib joint, vagina at a brothel etc.)
3) if you're with 10+ other people. I will give the person who ordered the same shit as me the benefit of the doubt.

I will never order the same shit as you, no matter how delicious your dish sounds, unless it is an exception to the items above. If you do it to me I will probably shoot a laser at your freaking face.