Women who can't dress their age

When I'm not out teaching Lebron how to play basketball, or schooling wack MCs in rap battles on your street corner, I like to chill with a couple of my friends and watch some television. Taking a break from watching hugely masculine shows like Real World LA or Top Chef, we decided to watch some The Real Housewives of NY. And immediately we meet Ramona, probably the worst nightmare for the 13 year old daughter she has, and basically any man watching this show. And consequently, we see this:

A billion points goes to whoever can figure out which one I'm talking about.

Seriously... the only thing worse than a fat girl wearing something that looks like its clinging on to dear life is an old woman who thinks she's still sexy. Not Rene Russo in Thomas Crown Affair sexy, because man I'd still hit that shit in a second. More like I-just-hit-puberty-and-I-need-to-show-off-my-body-to-anything-with-a-penis sexy. Except that shes probably reaching menopause and it's just awful. Almost awful enough for me to stop watching the show. ALMOST.






No homo

Tiny Dogs

With living in the city, one of the main things you'll have to deal with are tiny dogs. Tiny dogs that by any sense of evolution or general laws of nature would never allow to exist.

Tiny dog? Oh coo...OMG WHY DOES IT HAVE NO FUR AND WHY IS IT BLIND

Seriously? wtf? These things are not cute. I routinely see rodents in the subway stations that are far more cuddly and less abhorrent to the eyes than that. And with all those clothes and other shit you put on it? To quote Dale from the bestest show on television (Top Chef)- "It's just like dressing up a turd at that point."

And nothing gets to me more than a guy walking one of these things around the city. I guess if you're that desperate for female attention you'd do anything right? At least you're really comfortable with your sexuality... whichever one that would be.

1000000000% not gay.
not that there's anything wrong with it.

There is only solace given in the fact that if you ever leave a soccer ball at home while you're at the park, you can just scoop one of these from the street and kick it around. Extra kudos to the goalie who potentially has to use his hands to handle the thing.

Toilet Seats

So I watched the movie Crooklyn (by Spike Lee, pretty good movie) the other day, and it's about a huge black family, but there's only one daughter, Troy. At one point of the movie, she comes running down the stairs and complains to her mother, "MOM!!! the toilet seat was up again! I almost fell in!"

Ha ha! That was so funny right? wrong. WRONG. Fuck putting the toilet seat down after we piss. When did this become an unwritten rule? I've actually seen girls flip out over this shit. But does it matter? I'm going to give you an argument for leaving the seats up that is completely irrefutable. If you find any faults in the next two scenarios, you are wrong, and you should probably never offer an opinion ever again.

First and most common situation:

I use the toilet and I obviously leave the toilet seat up (because it's the right thing to do). If a guy uses it afterwards, win. He doesn't have to worry about any of his piss getting anywhere dirty. If you're a girl that uses it afterwards, holy shit please do not freak out. Realize that GRAVITY is on your side. It actually takes MORE effort for us to LIFT UP the seat after YOU use it than for you to just SLIGHTLY tap the seat to make it fall down after WE use it. ITS SIMPLE GRAVITY. And you don't have to worry about the 25% of the guy population who doesn't care about whether the seat is down or not, and just pisses willy nilly all over the place, leaving you to spend 5 minutes using the shitty toilet paper to clean up the mess.

Newton would approve.

Second situation:

Girls uses the toilet, obviously leaves the seat down. I come in, and unless I need to drop some kids off at the pool, I gotta put my hand on the seat that you just put your ass all over, and pull the ass-infected toilet seat back up. It was your stupid ass that was all over the seat, you fucking put that seat up. If a girl needs to use it right afterwards, she can use her foot to tap the seat down, because you know, gravity doesn't require you to put your hand on a disgusting ass toilet seat.

What you didn't know is that ass germs are actually invisible.
There's actually a billion germs on that toilet seat.
Fuck using my hand to lift that shit up.

Moral of the story? Leave the seat up. It's actually better for everybody. And if you don't? At least don't bitch if it is. I don't feel like embarrassing you when I have to explain how gravity works.

And don't bitch "oh just wash your hands wah wah wah." Fuck you. I'll wash it when i want to.