Revolutionary War Tactics - really?

It's the summer of 1778. The war for the independence of the United States is raging in the states around you. You, a young lad at the tender age of 16, can barely pull your own weight as a farmhand, much less a soldier. But it doesn't matter. America needs your help- nay, potentially your LIFE- in order to lay the foundations of a free society- freedom from foreign rule, freedom from taxation without representation, freedom from religious oppression. You KNOW you can make a difference for your place of birth. You disregard the pleas from your family. You enlist immediately.

You arrive to the training camp, full of enlistees like yourself. You've shot a rifle before - no big deal, how else are you supposed to eat meat in the 18th century?!?! You begin your first lesson in battlefield tactics.

Instructor: You will be in infantry, where you will learn to march in formation, and engage the redcoats.

You: YEAHHHH KILL 'EM REDCOATS. What are we going to do, hide and try to camouflage ourselves in the trees and fields to catch them by surprise? Or maybe ambush their supply lines and pick them off! Or maybe we can get a couple sharpshooters and take positions in key areas where the Redcoats are coming and harass them until they lose morale?

Instructor: Actually no. We march up to the enemy until we're about 100 feet away from each other, then we trade volleys.

You: What?

Instructor: Yeah, we go on a battlefield with like thousands of soldiers, then we march up until we're like pretty close to each other, then we shoot each other. Then we reload, and shoot again. We make sure we're in a perfect line though while we're shooting, though.

You: Um, LOL? What about cover?

Instructor: What's cover?

----------

I love war movies. If you're a dude, you like war movies. Especially if they involve

• killing imperial Brits
• killing racist rednecks

However, I just get really confused when i see scenes like this (taken from what I understand to be historical war footage)

Are you fucking kidding me? Apparently people fought with "honor" back then, and everyone followed these specific rules where you're supposed to just stand there and trade fire. What's better? there are cannons. That's right. So not only are you standing STILL out in the OPEN trading fire with someone else, you're being shot at with fucking cannonballs.

You want to know what's even funnier? So a little tangential, but if you remember from Forrest Gump, when Tom Hanks meets Lt. Dan for for the first time in Vietnam, Gump salutes him. Lt. Dan immediately replies:

"Oh, get your hands down. Do not salute me. There are goddamn snipers all around this area who'd love to grease an officer."

Guess what happened when you were promoted in the 18th century? Not only did you get to have more fucking FEATHERS to put in your cap, but - get this - the red on your coat was even BRIGHTER! It was like a fucking pageant!

Why fight smart when you can fight fabulously?

It's Soccer. and Football. GET. OVER. IT.

So the World Cup is here. You know, the once-in-4-years event that stops wars, brings ravaged countries together, and the only time where Americans actually "care" about soccer. Yeah, the sport that every other country plays as it's #1 sport, except for 'mericuhhh (FUCK YEA). Fortunately for myself, since I am a worldly man, I am well versed in this sport, and therefore my opinions expressed are 100% correct (quick reminder for those who somehow forgot).

Of course, because Americans hates foreigners and foreigners hate us, the soccer/football argument ALWAYS has to come up. Wahh wahh that's not real football wahh wahh why do you call it soccer?!?! I will currently put both you groups of fucks in your place. THIS IS NOT AN ARGUMENT IN WHICH SPORT IS BETTER. I ENJOY THEM BOTH EQUALLY. YOUR MOTHER IS A WHORE.

So the whole argument stems from here-

Okay, fair enough. LOGICALLY it makes sense. As a REASONABLE human being, I can see why calling it football, like 99% of the rest of the world does, makes sense. Which is why, even though I'm American, I don't lose sleep when I hear soccer being referred to as football. Will I do it? No. But if you're being a douchebag and you say "STFU LOL YOU CANT EVEN USE YOUR HANDS IN SOCCER THAT'S NOT REAL FOOTBALL" without realizing your immediate logical fallacy, you, my friend, have been dropped as a child.

On the other hand, it is called soccer not because Americans decided to sit around in the early 1900s and say "Hey, lets call it something completely different than what everyone else is calling it! Hey what's a fucking really random ass word? How's bout soccer? LOL"

The term came from the fact that football, before there were official rules that determined the game, had different types- RUGBY football, ASSOCIATION football, etc. Guess what? The British decided to shorten association football to ... SOCCER, which is why a bunch of former British colonies refer to it as soccer. Don't believe me? go see how "Australian football" is played. And you know what their association football mascot is? the SOCCEROOS. Fuck you you elitist foreigners, questioning why we call it soccer. It's because you're a piece of shit.

So fuck this semantics argument bullshit. If you argue about semantics then you're fucking retarded. "I understand that the subway in England is called the metro, but I can't fucking grasp the simple concept that soccer outside the US is called football, and that American football is referred to as Gridiron!!! I think I might actually be fully retarded!!!"

Here's to you, prefacer

Alright, here's the deal. People have opinions. I get it. Usually if I'm talking to you, I assume anything you're saying is an opinion, unless otherwise stated as such (usually denoted with "I read in the news today..." or "This study actually shows...". Unfortunately "Oh yeah my buddy's cousin's third wife's friend's half retarded step-son read something like..." does not count).

But take the prefacers. They want to make SURE you understand it's their opinion in case you didn't get it the first time, because you know, making assertions apparently needs a warning. But just looking at it at a purely objective standpoint, when was the last time someone started to say this:

"I don't want to sound racist, but..."

without saying something incredibly racist? i.e.

"I don't want to sound racist, but Asians look WEIRD."

Hell, I can pretty much tell you exactly how you are when you use these phrases. Let me show you a couple of examples:

• "I don't want to be a dick..." - Holy shit you are a dick the size of a gorilla's arm
• "No offense, but..." - Holy shit are you making fun of Jews??? WHILE WATCHING SCHINDLER'S LIST?!?!?
• "Not to put anyone down or anything, but..." - JESUS CHRIST dude, that guy was retarded!!! Why are you making fun of him??
  
• "Not to call out anyone, but..." - Wow dude, you just literally went up to that guy and slapped him with your penis
• "I don't want to generalize, but..." - Oh man that's totally understandable. OH WAIT NO IT ISN'T. YOU JUST CALLED ALL BLACK PEOPLE STUPID.

Look, I understand the idea of prefacing, so that you'll get less hate for the absolutely moronic statement you're about to make. But it doesn't preclude you from criticisms. Fuck dude, if you said

"I'm not racist, but why can't spics find real jobs?"

in front of a crowd of hispanics, their first response won't be "Hey, he's not racist!'

Fucking Pen Time Warp or something

My. Pens. Disappear.

It's incredible. Working in an office job has its advantages- unlimited office supplies. This helps a lot, for sure. But for SOME FUCKING REASON whenever I refill my work bag with 3 pens, by the end of the week they are ALL gone. This is what I imagine is going on here:

HOW DOES MY BAG AFFORD THESE PLANE TICKETS

Seriously, what the eff? I must have gone through at least 3574 pens this year. It's not like they show up like a week later underneath some books or sheets of paper like I usually find my misplaced food. It's just EVERY TIME I have to write something down, the pens are just GONE. Missing. Never to be seen again. Then I have to borrow a pen from somebody ELSE, which I inevitably slobber all over (okay it's a bad habit, go fuck yourself). I mean nothing bad really happens here, it's just an inconvenience that I have to ask another human being for something I should already have THREE of.

Motherfucking pen blackhole bermuda triangle thievery bullshit piece of shit pens

Umbrellas

Umbrellas. Fuck umbrellas. People may say that my anger here is misplaced, that I should be angry at the weather. Guess what? I can't do shit about weather, whereas umbrellas are man made and man used, and definitely a bane in my fucking existence. Not only are they easier to lose than the anal virginity of a newly introduced prison inmate, as a mildly above average height male, THEY DON'T FUCKING WORK. I'm currently in a rage comic mode, so again I defer to these two situations (click for larger images).

Umbrella? More like umbrHELLa! AMIRITE?

Shitty ass umbrellas. You know what we (read "I") should use instead? bubbles. That's right. Those fucking bubbles that sick kids use when they can't be exposed to germs. And my bubble would be made of solid badass titanium. Why? because not only would I be as dry as a post-op tranny, I'd get to run over your big-umbrella-carrying stupid midget ass. What, you say? I won't be able to see? that's because I WON'T NEED TO. And I'll still be dry, bitchass.

It will not be dissimilar to this.

why aren't my fucking gums fused to my teeth?

As I type this, I sit before you in immense displeasure. On a beer pick up run, I found myself in the greatest store chain in New Jersey - Bottle King. As I enter the magnificent establishment I encounter these never before seen Kariba Farms "Corn Crisp" bags in Texas BBQ flavor. Immediately I purchase these obviously delicious treats, questioning what I'm doing at a liquor store in the first place. I can't even begin to describe to you how good it looked, and for some mentally challenged reason they don't have this product listed on their website. So I'm just going to show you this picture:


Basically this snack is dried cooked corn kernels seasoned with the best junk food seasoning in the world: BBQ (although jalapeno is fast taking it's spot). I am thoroughly devouring this treat when all of a sudden I feel a pressure on my gums. Then I black out and have a flashback:

I fucking hate when this happens

Apparently, cooked corn gets lodged in your gums just like fucking popcorn. Yeah, that fucking unpopped portion of the kernel that penetrated that tiny, tight gap between your tooth and your gum. You know what I'm talking about. You better know what I'm talking about. This pain is NOT my own. Now excuse me while I attempt to furiously dig my gums out with a spoon.

bottle clink

The bottle clink trick. Oh man. This is just awful. I don't know who found out that tapping a bottle on top of another bottle would make it fizz, but way to go man. Not only are you forcing someone to attempt to drink (you facist) you're making an unnecessary mess that you probably won't clean up (you uh... republican? oh yeah I just went there). I wonder what the thought process is in order to actually do such a heinous thing to an unsuspecting person. Friendly joking around? or a 2000 year old torture?

True story: A buddy of mine was drinking a bottle of the finest malt liquor, and someone he knew wanted to give him a surprise. What happened? My buddy had this "trick" performed on the beverage he was holding. The "surprise" was shattered glass in his fucking hand. That's right, if you didn't know force + glass = SHATTERED PAINFUL DANGEROUS SHARDS THAT WILL CUT YOU WORSE THAN AN EMO GANGSTER.

This is directly the result of the beer bottle clink. Not at all of some random "bloody hand" google image search.

Do you know what this tells me about you? that you're a douchebag who wants to get someone drunk, but also that you can't get someone drunk without a cheap trick. Do you know how easy it is for you to get someone to take a drink?

Me: Hey dude, you're have a giant floppy vagina if you don't take this drink.
Dude: WTF IM A MAN WHY ARE YOU QUESTIONING MY MANHOOD
Me: Because you're a girl. Take this drink.

Me: Hey dude, you're have a giant floppy vagina if you don't take this drink.
Girl: I'm a girl.
Me: HOLY SHIT i thought you were a guy. Take this roofie coolada?
Girl: What?
Me: Coolada?
Girl: Oh I LOVE Cooladas!

What, you can't string together a couple of coherent sentences or something? Notice girls never do it. It's because they can get anyone at any time to take a drink. and if they do perform this douchebaggery of a trick, then theyre just giant bitches. You might know of them, ya douchenozzle.