Tangled Cords

WHY DOES THIS HAPPEN? WHY DO I WASTE 10 MINUTES UNTANGLING CORDS THAT WERE PERFECTLY TIED? WHAT IS THE 2ND LAW OF THERMODYNAMICS???

Everything? Orly?

Music is a pretty big interest of mine. I think internet radio and satellite radio are the best things ever to happen for my ears, because honestly without them, I know for sure my ipod would have only 3 songs on it. So when someone brings up music, I'm pretty open/interested in striking up a conversation about it. The only problem is that the conversation usually goes like this:

Me: You like this song? What sort of music do you listen to?
You: ME??? LOL I LIKE EVERYTHING :D!!!!!1111

Me:

Little known fact: I am actually in fact an animorph.

You like everything? Really? That's the biggest bullshit response I've ever heard in my whole life. You don't like everything. I guarantee you if I played a random ass song off my playlist right now you'd be like "wow this song sucks." I'd obviously have to punch you in the face, but that will only add to the other black eye I gave you for answering "everything." Just because you heard T-pain speak like a robot on the #1 HIT STATION doesn't mean you like hip hop. Or just because you heard the 3rd grade lyrics of Nickelback doesnt mean you like rock. Fuck that. I hate you.

Lawn Ornaments

So for the last couple of weeks I got to go down to the town of Ft. Washington, PA. I was driving around the local neighborhood after work, looking for deer to run into on my free time, when my GPS decides to completely crap out on me, and bring me to a closed road. Fine, whatever, it's not the first time technology did exactly the opposite it was supposed to do. So after I reprogrammed the screen to play Entourage episodes that I havent seen yet, I decided to make a U-turn and attempt to retrace my steps. I pull into the driveway of a home to make said U-turn, and BAM

WHAT. THE. FUCK.

After initially having 3 heart attacks and pancaking the dog that came running after my car while I was trying to back the fuck out, I realized that what I had initially thought was a 18th century poltergeist that was going to burn me to death with a lantern, was a PLASTIC JOCKEY. I subseqently went into a bout of rage, killing thousands of various cute kittens, furry puppies, and cuddly koala bears.

Fun Fact: Did you know people actually buy this shit?

IT GIVES NIGHTMARES.

Axe/Tag

How come whenever I attempt to use any Axe or Tag products, I don't have hundreds of scantily clad hot women tackling me? What the hell am I doing wrong? I expect to use these sprays in the most generic of places, and have the hottest women in the world appear and molest the shit out of me. I mean, advertisers wouldn't lie like that would they?


Axe Commercial - The best video clips are right here

This is pure total bullshit. Besides a duodec (look that up, bitchass)-daily spraying regimen, I have also purposely gotten bit by hundreds of mosquitoes and ate hundreds of frog legs, and still nothing. At least in beer commercials, I can drink enough beer to make women look that hot. But no amount of Tag or Axe body spray does that. Hell last Sunday I emptied a can of Axe on myself and subsequently got lit on fire from direct sunlight.

Immolation fucking sucks. Unless it's against
religious persecution. Then it's ok.

Button Flies

If you haven't come across button flies in your lifetime, consider yourself lucky. Unfortunately for me, apparently Europeans love them, and I had the misfortune of having to have to buy a pair of jeans in the Netherlands. And every, single, freaking pair has them. Not familiar? they look like this:

Wondering why you pants are just as fucking annoying to put on as
your button shirt? Blame Europeans

My dutch friend recently tried to convince me that button flies are, in fact superior. He said, after a while, you get so used to them that you can just undo them as quickly as a zipper, and that buttoning them up is also just as fast. My response: full of shit. How can it be physically easier and faster to perform 3 actions in the time it should take to do one? Shit, I have enough trouble buttoning the single button on my pants after zipping up, don't give me another 3.

The ONLY advantage I can think of for button flies is that there is no chance of getting your junk caught in the fly. But honestly, if that ever happens to you, you should probably rethink your genetics, and allow yourself to get castrated by the zipper.

Knowing my luck, it's probably going to fucking happen to me tomorrow.

People who order the same stuff at restaurants

I have to touch on this subject because I was recently traveling with some friends, and this discussion came up because I have major psychotic issues with people ordering the same shit at nice establishments (lets say, > $15 an entree). When it is time to order a conversation would occur that is something like this:

Waitress: What would you like?
Me: I would like the Lake Titicaca cut of beef ass with a side of Uncle Ben's rice and Soggy Vegetables. Medium rare, por favor.
Friend: Actually can I order the same exact thing? thanks!
Me: ... what the fuck? I thought you were getting the grilled piranha genitalia?
Friend: I did, and I was about to, but I heard what you were getting and it sounded delicious.
Me: Then fucking get what you are getting, and try some of mine. What if it's bad and neither of us like it? How the fuck are you going to go from fish to steak? The whole point of travelling this far out and going to a decent restaurant is to try shit that we haven't had before. You basically ruined the whole spirit of the trip.
Friend: I don't know I'm stupid. I'm still going to order the same exact thing you ordered, even though I wanted something else beforehand, just because what you ordered sounded good. Even though what I was going to order will most likely be just as, or more delicious, and more importantly, DIFFERENT than what you ordered I'm going to order it.
Waitress: Wow what that handsome, well versed man who ordered first has a point. Person who just rip offed that man, you're pretty much retarded.

There are, however, a COUPLE exceptions to this rule
1) bigass samplers
2) a dish that is the mainstay of the restaurant (steak at a good steakhouse, ribs at a rib joint, vagina at a brothel etc.)
3) if you're with 10+ other people. I will give the person who ordered the same shit as me the benefit of the doubt.

I will never order the same shit as you, no matter how delicious your dish sounds, unless it is an exception to the items above. If you do it to me I will probably shoot a laser at your freaking face.

Women who can't dress their age

When I'm not out teaching Lebron how to play basketball, or schooling wack MCs in rap battles on your street corner, I like to chill with a couple of my friends and watch some television. Taking a break from watching hugely masculine shows like Real World LA or Top Chef, we decided to watch some The Real Housewives of NY. And immediately we meet Ramona, probably the worst nightmare for the 13 year old daughter she has, and basically any man watching this show. And consequently, we see this:

A billion points goes to whoever can figure out which one I'm talking about.

Seriously... the only thing worse than a fat girl wearing something that looks like its clinging on to dear life is an old woman who thinks she's still sexy. Not Rene Russo in Thomas Crown Affair sexy, because man I'd still hit that shit in a second. More like I-just-hit-puberty-and-I-need-to-show-off-my-body-to-anything-with-a-penis sexy. Except that shes probably reaching menopause and it's just awful. Almost awful enough for me to stop watching the show. ALMOST.






No homo

Tiny Dogs

With living in the city, one of the main things you'll have to deal with are tiny dogs. Tiny dogs that by any sense of evolution or general laws of nature would never allow to exist.

Tiny dog? Oh coo...OMG WHY DOES IT HAVE NO FUR AND WHY IS IT BLIND

Seriously? wtf? These things are not cute. I routinely see rodents in the subway stations that are far more cuddly and less abhorrent to the eyes than that. And with all those clothes and other shit you put on it? To quote Dale from the bestest show on television (Top Chef)- "It's just like dressing up a turd at that point."

And nothing gets to me more than a guy walking one of these things around the city. I guess if you're that desperate for female attention you'd do anything right? At least you're really comfortable with your sexuality... whichever one that would be.

1000000000% not gay.
not that there's anything wrong with it.

There is only solace given in the fact that if you ever leave a soccer ball at home while you're at the park, you can just scoop one of these from the street and kick it around. Extra kudos to the goalie who potentially has to use his hands to handle the thing.

Toilet Seats

So I watched the movie Crooklyn (by Spike Lee, pretty good movie) the other day, and it's about a huge black family, but there's only one daughter, Troy. At one point of the movie, she comes running down the stairs and complains to her mother, "MOM!!! the toilet seat was up again! I almost fell in!"

Ha ha! That was so funny right? wrong. WRONG. Fuck putting the toilet seat down after we piss. When did this become an unwritten rule? I've actually seen girls flip out over this shit. But does it matter? I'm going to give you an argument for leaving the seats up that is completely irrefutable. If you find any faults in the next two scenarios, you are wrong, and you should probably never offer an opinion ever again.

First and most common situation:

I use the toilet and I obviously leave the toilet seat up (because it's the right thing to do). If a guy uses it afterwards, win. He doesn't have to worry about any of his piss getting anywhere dirty. If you're a girl that uses it afterwards, holy shit please do not freak out. Realize that GRAVITY is on your side. It actually takes MORE effort for us to LIFT UP the seat after YOU use it than for you to just SLIGHTLY tap the seat to make it fall down after WE use it. ITS SIMPLE GRAVITY. And you don't have to worry about the 25% of the guy population who doesn't care about whether the seat is down or not, and just pisses willy nilly all over the place, leaving you to spend 5 minutes using the shitty toilet paper to clean up the mess.

Newton would approve.

Second situation:

Girls uses the toilet, obviously leaves the seat down. I come in, and unless I need to drop some kids off at the pool, I gotta put my hand on the seat that you just put your ass all over, and pull the ass-infected toilet seat back up. It was your stupid ass that was all over the seat, you fucking put that seat up. If a girl needs to use it right afterwards, she can use her foot to tap the seat down, because you know, gravity doesn't require you to put your hand on a disgusting ass toilet seat.

What you didn't know is that ass germs are actually invisible.
There's actually a billion germs on that toilet seat.
Fuck using my hand to lift that shit up.

Moral of the story? Leave the seat up. It's actually better for everybody. And if you don't? At least don't bitch if it is. I don't feel like embarrassing you when I have to explain how gravity works.

And don't bitch "oh just wash your hands wah wah wah." Fuck you. I'll wash it when i want to.

Mario Lopez

Man, remember this guy from Saved by the Bell?

No homo.

I actually don't remember the show very well, but one thing I do remember was being overjoyed that the show finally got canceled so that Mario Lopez would no longer be famous. C'mon, a minority with a mullet? Automatic hatred because it wasn't me first.

Then he was on this show about pet stars on Animal Planet? Nat Geo? Public Access? I forget. But it was pretty good, I guess. If you were 5. or old. or retarded. actually it was a horrible because they gave Mario more work.

Then came America's best dance crew. oh man. In theory, a great show, especially with jabba and kaba and the other crews. but they made 3 mistakes.

1. Hiring JC
2. Hiring Lil Mama
3. Hiring Mario Lopez
4. Not firing Mario right away after episode 1
5. Not firing Mario after episode 2...

You know what they made a lot more mistakes than that. And don't give me that bullshit that he didn't write what he was saying. I don't care. He still said it.



"Will they mimic Omarion perfectly? or will their freezes freeze them up?"
Oh god. every word hurts.

Greasy glass doors

You know those glass doors that litter everywhere from the midtown offices of Manhattan to the trash strip malls in Jersey? There's a freaking metal bar in the middle of the door/end of the door for a reason. That's where you put your greasy, dirty ass hands on. No, don't put it on the glass part of the door, where your nasty disgusting hand oils get all over the door and I have to actually put my face near when I open one of these things
Flipping disgusting. I hate everyone one of you who do that. At least learn to use your shoulder or sleeve or something. Save the janitors some time. Shit, if I were a janitor who had to clean nasty shit up all day, but I didn't have to worry about the spotlessness of the front glass door, I'd be a happy man.